Trying VS. Working

To be completely honest, 24, and 2011, make me feel….scared.

Most other years that I can remember, I have had some sort of direction, some idea of what the year would bring (or so I thought).  I was tied to thoughts, feelings, jobs, paths that had already begun, and therefore acted as a springboard for where I’d go (or so I thought).

This year, I don’t have that, really.

Geographically and personally, I’m looking to find where I belong.  Where I will thrive and grow and flourish and succeed.

In the past, I’ve been happy and secure in a somewhat new-to-me apartment.  The biggest roadblock for me right now is that I need to move.  I originally moved because I needed a change, and I also wanted to be closer to work/my social center.  I left that job and therefore that social hub, and this place is just not as appealing any more.  Money aside.  So, I need to move.  Unfortunately, not to New York, like I posted about – but back to where I came from, before I moved to this little beachside pad.  It’s been a fun year or so, living in a place I can barely afford but in such a cool area, beyond my means, around people who are all at least 5-10 years older than I am and are way further along in estabishing themselves than I am.  It’s been fun, yes, but it is time to return to reality.  Around people who are going through the same stage in their lives that I am.  In a place I can afford.  Hopefully, in a place I won’t feel compelled to move out of yet AGAIN.

In the past, I’ve come off a couple huge relationships right before the holidays.  So I go into the new year still mourning, and still slightly hoping that the new year will mend our problems.  Um, nope.

In the past, as in last year, I was about to start a job I was ridiculously excited about.  New beginnings were in the air.

2010 was really, really good to me — Miracle Year fo sho.  I had an incredible job (which I had to, for personal reasons, leave in august).  I made two of my best friends (although we were friendly-friends before). I visited my brother at school in Oregon.  I shot a commercial.  I shot a pilot.  A treatment for a pilot I shot 5 years ago was sold (this means they sold the idea, based off of the short I did, and now they need to write the show itself — my character is still intact, so my fingers are triple-crossed).  I spun for three hours in the name of charity.  I ran a 10K and a 5K.  My grandfather turned 90, and he and my grandmother celebrated their 60th anniversary.  I had the best Thanksgiving ever.  I saw Jenny Lewis do a secret concert, the pre-Grammy Neil Young tribute concert, Temper Trap in concert, and Roger Waters’ The Wall concert.  There was all the Sing-Off madness.  I actually kinda kept up with this blog, and met a lot of really amazing women though doing so.  I had the courage to leave a toxic work enviroment, even though it meant I’d have to start from scratch.  I did a bunch of shoots with both cool new photographers and old friends alike.  I booked a couple shoots for some of my current favorite brands.  I don’t feel out of control around food anymore.

2010 was playful.  However, I’ve realized….in 2010, I tried really hard.  But I do not feel like I necessarily worked really hard.

A part of me relied on the “miracle” part of Miracle Year a little too often.  I kind of expected that if something was going to happen, it would happen.  I did the prep work and then put it out there for the universe.  Try-ing is different than Work-ing.  If you Try, there’s still a possibility for failure, or falling short, that you have accepted and made peace with.  I feel like I tried my hardest, but I didn’t WORK HARD to achieve whatever I wanted.

I feel like 2010 was my last year to think of myself as a “kid.”  I don’t want to think of myself as a “kid” any more; it’s crippling and is selling myself short.  I’m not talking personality-wise, by the way.  There is no way in hell I am giving up my Sock Monkey hat.  I’m talking about how I view myself in relation to everyone else in the world.

I wanted a certain job, so I tried my hardest to get it.  I did.  I wanted certain types of interpersonal relationships in my life, so I tried my hardest to attain them.  I did, but only just a little.  I wanted certain physical results, so I tried my hardest to get them.  Not only did I fall short of that, I ended up with more on my plate than when I began (no pun intended).

I didn’t WORK HARD to get any of these.  I wasn’t digging my nails in and attacking.  I didn’t have tunnel vision.  I let thing come-as-they-may….or not.

Well, you know what (I hear you asking, “what, katie!?!)?

This is the year I am not trying hard.  I’m WORKING HARD.

I need and want to move?  I’m moving.

• find a place
• negotiate a price
• enlist family and friends to help you move
• MOVE

I need and want exposure and screen time?  That road is clear and I’m going 88mph.

• enroll in classes
• use your network
• create your reel and don’t “wait until _____ is done being edited and on film”
• send that mofo out and follow up, follow up, follow up

I’m unhappy with the extra stress weight I’ve accumulated throughout 2010?  TRYING is stressful.  WORKING is not.

• stay physical and challenge yourself often
• GO TO THE MARKET instead of just grabbing food as needed
• plan out snacks in PROPER amounts and retrain yourself when it comes to what a “portion” is
• keep track of calories (like Monica of Yellow Brick Beauty [um, wordpress won't let me link, so if you haven't visited her blog yet, google it and read away ], this is something that has always worked for me)

I miss having a bunch of friends around my age to call upon and go through my 20s alongside?  Friendship takes WORK and doesn’t just fall in your lap.

• CALL, don’t text or facebook.
• make plans, don’t just talk about making them
• don’t use gas mileage as an excuse.  Gas prices go up and down.  Friendship is way more stable if you let it be.

I have the WORST sense of “budgeting” ever?  TRYING makes that $30 whatever something I “deserve.”  WORKING makes that $30 back in my POCKET time and again what I truly deserve.

• think long and hard before you buy
• Whole Foods is a sometimes place
• see the section of bullet points two sections above this.  My main downfall is buying too much food because my portion sizes are huge…and buying it from the wrong places….at a spur of the moment time…

Trying creates excuses.  Working doesn’t give excuses the time of day.

Here’s to 2011 and not trying hard, but working hard.

Change your narrative and make it happen.

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LOVE you all — see you in the new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!