Don’t Wanna Be No Uptown Fool

“Holiday Time” is always a time of reflection…but for whatever reason, I’m feeling especially reflect-y this year.  Maybe because it’s the first year since….I was….15?….that I have not been in a relationship or mourning a breakup.  Maybe it’s because I’m settling into myself as an adult, or at the very least an “emerging adult.” Maybe it’s because it’s frickin’-freezing-mr.-biggelsworth outside and it’s messing with my brain.

But I have come to a crossroads…..

I have been teaching for about four years now, and while I LOVE it, I am contemplating taking a break.  Or limiting my class schedg’ to once a week.  The internet scares the crap out of me sometimes (I don’t publicize my blog outside of the blogging community, but I still have NO clue who reads this), so I don’t want to go too much into my reasons….but a big one is that I am starting to feel a tug.  I know that what I want in life right now, that I can CONTROL, is:

• to do film, theatre, tv – basically any acting job that will take me.  Um, besides, you know, porn.  Not really on my TO-DO list.  No pun intended.  HEY-O!
• to do basically any print job that will take me (see above for addendum).
• to make money through a steady(ish) job that – THIS IS KEY! – does NOT have anything directly to do with the above two.
• to devote my fitness time to ME
• to inspire and build confidence in girls and women who might be going through some of the self-image issues with which I’ve dealt, or have family members like mine who use what I call CASUAL NEGATIVITY way too often, or who might not be dealing with either of these but who I can help dodge these issues (that grammar sucked).

As far as the first two are concerned: my first thought was “No, booking a job is ultimately not in your control, Katie.”

But ya know what?  YES IT IS.

When I listen to my gut (I know deep down when a call is “worth” dropping everything for), put the right energy out there, do my prep work, and KNOW that I have the job but I just haven’t accessed it yet…..then I’ve done my part and it is totally in my control.  If I didn’t get it, there’s a reason in the universe why.  Maybe it would have been a horrible experience.  Maybe it would have prevented me from being somewhere else at that exact time.  Whatever the reason, it’s in my control.

The second one? I’m so happy to say that, long night shift hours aside (meaning: leaving at 11pm), I am freakin loving the new job.  Everyone has been so wonderful to me, and for whatever reason, I feel totally comfortable being my gregarious, offbeat and somewhat cheesy-humored kinda self.  Case in point: my favorite tea at RFD is a Kukicha Tea, which we happen to get for free.  This makes me happy.  So happy, that every time I pour myself a cup, I sing “Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad…..hot kukicha….”

Every.

Time.

As I’ve expressed before, for a while I had a mental block on working at a restaurant.  Been there, done that, didn’t like it, unmotivated people, stereotypical LA Actor job.  But everyone here has a purpose outside of the restaurant.  Has a passion.  Has a profession (or is working towards one).  Is not a cynical 19 year-old (nothing against 19 year olds).  And I get to interact with people and be around a part of the food industry I am passionate about (health-conscious, vegan) and deal with like-minded customers (not overly crunchy-granola, slightly crazy very specific about what they like to eat/how they like it) and I know that my CAREER doesn’t rest on what I do or do not do.  It’s nice.  It’s refreshing.  It’s awesome to be a cog in a wheel and have specific rules and regulations when in the rest of my life, I am required to create my own and literally WRITE the KATIE MANUAL.

Numba-Three: although I like to spin, and I like it a whole lot, sometimes teaching makes my workout something I HAVE to do instead of what I WANT to do.  I have NEVER (for a long period of time, at least) felt this way about exercise, and it scares me a little.  Makes me scared of burn-out.  Makes me scared I will revert back to my 18-year-old holycrapsixminutesontheellipticalareyoufreakingkiddingme mindset and body.  Already it gets me half-assing my workouts more than I have done in the past….and I don’t like it.  It’s affected my mood, my body, and the way I treat myself outside of my Nikes.  I am thinking I need to regain control of my fitness as far as owning it for me, and not for someone else.  I worry that this sounds selfish, but honestly, it kinda is.

And as for the last point? Years ago, back in 2007/2008, I started an organization called WANT – Women Against Negative Talk.  The facebook group is still around but has not been touched for eons, if you wanna read the mission statement. It aimed to banish the casual negativity we so often use in day to day life, saying things like “my thighs are huge” in the same way we’d say “the sky is blue.”  It’s something that’s definitely an epidemic in my family… Anyway, I had a kickass website, shirts, tank tops, business cards, the whole shebang.  Copyrighted and everything.

Then, with no locked-down business plan and a lack of funds and experience, it kinda fizzled.  I want to get it back up and running again.  So I’m working on that.  I’d also love to get involved with Girls On The Run in my area…..or be able to do some work for the Campaign For Real Beauty….or start up an entirely new project…..or something….

I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish through this post.  But some changes are coming, and I’m pretty sure they are for the better.  Actually, nix that.  The changes happened.

I just haven’t accessed them yet.

……………………………………………………………..

On an ENTIRELY off-topic note, I think My Year Of The Side Part is over.  And that, my friends, is the kind of profound thought I will leave you with this fine Monday morning.

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